My Story

Remember that special time in your life, that precious time of innocence? Perhaps you were like me, the small child gazing up into the clouds and contemplating life, what it all means, where am I going….how will I act…..what will the future bring? I started out on the journey with a pure heart and great intentions, but somewhere along the road at those special crossroads we all encounter; I made some bad decisions and turned down the wrong path. Oh, it started out so subtle so very gradual and then as I grew older, married, and started my own family; life’s problems seemed to push in on me.

Like many people I had a somewhat naïve view of marriage and what could go wrong. After all, I was raised in the 50’s and 60’s and divorce never seemed an issue in and around my home environment. People just didn’t have problems in these areas, did they? Well, maybe I was sheltered, or perhaps it was because I grew up in a rural less “hip” environment, but the simple truth was like many people today, I was just not prepared for the Sacrament of Marriage. In fact, being a Baptist at this early time of my life, I had no idea what a sacrament actually was.

My wife and I got married at a very early age, in fact she was just entering her senior year of High School, and I had just completed one year of college, when we decided to get married. It’s a rather long story, but factors at the time seemed to push us into this decision, and it wasn’t until years later that I figured out the truth, that I hadn’t been ready for marriage and neither had she.

After marriage, we had children and the years went by. After about seven years we started to experience problems and the fairy tale marriage started getting shaky. Then to make matters worse I turned down a very terrible road of sin. The sin of infidelity. I struggled with this because I knew I was offending God, but it seemed that I would always drift back into the same pattern. After a period of time and with a battling conscience I reached out to God and began to study the Catholic Faith. The result was that I converted to the Catholic Church and started a time of healing and renewal in my life.

But even after this new commitment to God, I continued to struggle with the sins of infidelity. Yes, I had gotten better, but the urge was so great, it seemed I couldn’t break the cycle. Then, the full reality hit me when it became clear that I could lose my family and all that I truly loved could be gone. This reality only came about when it appeared that my secret life of sin could become public. Yes, it took the disgrace and shame of my hidden sins, to jolt me into a deep and painful depression. Now that I look back on everything, it was really my prayers being answered. You never see these things when they’re happening, but I had prayed so much to God for His Mercy and this mercy took a form I couldn’t comprehend at the time.

The depression weighed in on me and I began to sink deeper and deeper into a feeling of hopelessness. I had lost my self-esteem, I had brought shame onto my family, and I had failed as a husband and as a father. This hopelessness and despair was so overwhelming that for a moment I even contemplating taking my own life. I remember going out into my backyard and sinking down on my knees into the moist earth. I looked up to heaven and from the deepest recesses of my tortured soul, I cried out to my Mother Mary. I had loved Mary through it all and like any child, when you hurt, you cry for your mother. In that prayer, something began to change in my life. The change was subtle, but it would culminate with the realization that I found myself firmly back on that same path I referred to earlier in my story; the path of innocence.

I had heard about rebirth and had even felt in my heart that I had actually already experienced it, but there was something about having hit rock bottom that had instilled an awareness deep within my soul, that without God, without Jesus, without the Holy Spirit, I was lost, destined to wander without peace, and without purpose. I continued to pray the rosary and to speak with Jesus and Mary, whenever and wherever I could find the time. I found myself going to daily Mass and reading more and more about the Saints and the Church. I read the bible a lot and searched for the meaning of my life.

I knew that this crossroad in my life would require some kind of miracle and the miracle I prayed for was directed to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I asked her within that prayer…”Mother, help me to see women differently, and to never again look at them in a lustful way”. The prayer was answered almost immediately, and so started a new and grace filled journey of healing and love. I have no doubt whatsoever that the Blessed Mother interceded dramatically at this time in my life. But like any spiritual journey it was at times very painful.

I struggled with my past sins and the need to be forgiven was burning deep within me. It was all a process of love and surrender. I’d like to say that it took a few months, but the truth is that it was a long journey of years. But the peace I felt in my soul was profound and so very real. As my spiritual walk continued I began to feel a shift in my heart, a gentle certainty that God had forgiven me my past sins. The more I surrendered to Jesus and Mary, the more I sensed that somehow God had taken my sins and with the Blood and sacrifice of His Son, He had turned everything into a great victory. I was the man that had the greater debt that the parable refers too, you know, the greater the debt forgiven the greater the love in return.

I began to realize that my gift back to God was the trust and faith I placed in His Mercy and Love. The trust was that I had been reborn into a child of God in a state of Grace and walking a path of holiness, as white as snow, cleansed. In spite of my wretchedness, God loved me, He wanted to heal me and all of Heaven rejoiced when I returned to my Father. Yes, the prodigal son had returned. Now I would spend my life giving back to such a loving and forgiving God. I would spend my life giving back to my wife and family. In the process it was my burning desire to lead them to this same God, in all His Truth and Love.

I became a Eucharist Minister, a Lector, and I taught CCD. I wanted to give back all that I could. I was deeply in love with God. I continued to attend daily Mass and went to Confession, weekly. I became an hourly coordinator for our Adoration Chapel and I spent hours and hours before the Blessed Sacrament. I helped to lead my wife’s family back to the Catholic Church. I led my own family to the Church and the fullness of its Truth. I taught my family that there was no compromise to God’s Truth. In some instances I feel I came on too strong, but I felt an urgency to help everyone come to the Church and it’s Truth. The year 2000 was approaching and many of us sensed that this could be the peak of a great spiritual confrontation and the need to have the fullness of the Church was ever present.

It was in this healing process that I first met Mary. I met her at a Marian Movement of Priests Cenacle at a friend’s house. We met weekly to pray for priests and discuss our faith and the signs of the times. I knew there was something special about Mary, but I think most of it was just a feeling that this woman was also in love with God. Here was a woman who wanted to reach out with all her being and give to God everything. We became friends from the first day we met and we shared our faith together for years to come. Little did I know how much our paths would cross and merge in the future.

I continued to grow deeper and deeper in love with God and I can’t tell you exactly when it happened but it’s like being on a workout program and your so busy that you don’t pay attention to the results until one day you try on those pants that used to fit tight and now they are too baggy to even wear. When, how, did I lose all this weight? Well that’s the way I felt when I began to take account of all that had happened in my life. My God, how wonderful you are!

In my journey I discerned a calling into the Secular Discalced Carmelites and I began to study the Teresian Spirituality. I had already come to know and love Teresa de Jesus in the books I had previously read. I had even chosen as my mantra of sorts this particular quote of Teresa’s, “All things were a means for my knowing and loving God more. For seeing how much I owed Him and regretting what I had been.” This seemed to fit into my view on things and Teresa was so down to earth in her writings. To me, it was a no frills, down to earth approach. Of course I studied other Carmelite Saints such as our beloved St. Therese and John of the Cross.

My next journey would be a pilgrimage with the Sisters of the Pierced Hearts for both my wife and I. The theme was “May the Two Hearts Reign”, and the pilgrimage would last 3 weeks and take in most of the important European shrines of the Two Hearts devotion. My friend Mary, who had moved back to Miami, had encouraged us to attend. This was my first real encounter with the religious sisters and it was a beautiful one that stayed with me for the rest of my life. On this pilgrimage I absorbed everything I could and burned into my heart and mind the sights, the smells, the holiness of everywhere I visited. In addition, I used the time to discern deep within me, who I actually was, and how I stood before my God. I knew that prayer had to resonate from a sincere and humble heart, because you can’t fool God anyway, he knows who you are, what you are, and what you’ve done, so I just had to “give it up” and turn it all over to Him.

It seemed that something in my heart had bonded with Mother and the Sisters. In fact I had chosen for my First Promise, within the Carmelites, the name of “Bernard of the Pierced Hearts of Jesus and Mary”. I couldn’t see it, but God had plans for my life, and it would most definitely include Mother and the Sisters of the Pierced Hearts of Jesus and Mary.

So began a period of healing and newfound strength and faith in God and His Beloved Church. Like any relationship you strengthen and grow more intimate with your friend, proportionally to the amount of time you spend interacting with that friend. I spent so much time trying to give back to God and my family, especially my wife, until one day in February of 2003, my wife asked me if I would be interested in adopting a baby from Russia. I had been extremely pro-life and had even led the protest in front of the local hospital for a couple of years. Now here was the calling to put my time and money into really applying the “options” against killing a child. Now it seemed that I was being called to adopt one.

I prayed about this for approximately one month and I couldn’t come up with any reasons except my own selfishness to not adopt. I was 48 years old and due for retirement. I had already raised my four children, but maybe God was calling me as a form of reparation, to give back, particularly to my wife. You see, after our fourth child I had asked my wife to have her tubes tied since I felt that four children were enough. This was prior to becoming a Catholic, but I knew that my wife didn’t really want to go through with the procedure. So now I was thinking, of course, this will give her the child I might have prevented in my own selfishness.

I told my wife that I would devote myself to this adoption fully and then she asked if we could adopt two babies instead of the one. Why not I thought, I had faith that in God all things were possible and if we were going all the way to Russia, we might as well bring two instead of one back with us. That was in February and in October of that same year, we came back from Russia, with 7-month-old babies, Anna and Mike.

Little did I know that what I had viewed as a sign of renewed commitment of love from my wife would turn out to become just the opposite. I mean, adoption requires so much soul searching, so much commitment, that I thought my wife was telling me how much she really loved me to trust me this much. But almost as soon as we had the babies back home I began to sense that something was dreadfully wrong, and in only four months time, my wife was indicating that she was not devoted to me in the least, in fact she was now asking for a Separation. She said she needed time to think.

I was dumbfounded about all of this. I never saw any of this on the horizon. Through all of the adoption process I had been renewed and strengthened in what I saw as a new start for my wife and I. I mean, how could we go through an in-depth adoption process and then come apart like this? I guess I will never really know, but my life was seemingly coming apart and what I feared most, the loss of my family unity was actually happening, and now with two little babies in the middle of it all. I was devastated and I turned to God for strength.

How could this have happened? I had been in a state of grace since my Mother Mary had come to my intercession and this had been for at least 15 years. I had been instructed by a Priest to not confess my infidelities to my wife. He told me that I wanted do this to help free the burden of my guilt and that nothing good would come from such a confession. I had been as giving as possible to my wife, perhaps to a fault, because I had not stood up and said “no” when I should have. I had let my guilty conscious dictate some of my father/husband decisions, but not to the detriment of my family from what I could discern. Still, this was happening. My wife was now becoming extremely hateful and directing so much anger towards me.

I had been praying previously for a more perfected love in my life. I had specifically asked Jesus to help me live the type of love as outlined within Corinthians. The giving sacrificial love, one of purity and not grounded in self-love. In answer to my prayers it appeared that I was now going through the most painful time in my life. In addition, my mother was also in the process of dying from kidney failure and I was the only real support to both her and my father. I felt so alone and so betrayed. Even my own children seemed to rally more around their mother than they did me and I could not, nor would I, require them to choose sides. After all their family was coming apart too.

My worst fear was that my wife would try and limit my time with Anna and Mike, who I had given up so much to acquire. I had fallen head over heels for them, and now it looked like I would be raising them alone. It ended up that I was granted joint custody and shared as much time with them as their mother, but at this time, all I could do was fear being separated from them. It was hard enough picking them up and dropping them off, a soon to be divorced father. Never in my wildest dreams could I have envisioned such a family life, but here I was living it.

As I cried out to God, to Jesus, to Mary, I felt that perhaps from my past sinful life, I was receiving what I deserved. I mean, I had been so sinful, maybe this was just a part of my purification. I had sincerely given my heart to God and trusted Him, I decided that I would continue trusting Him, no matter what. I was like Peter when he said to Jesus, but Lord, where else do I have to go, you are the Son of God.

It was so painful, so very painful, especially when my mother died in March of 2005. I took each day and turned it over to Jesus. I asked Jesus to help me raise Anna and Mike, because as an older man, the high chairs, the baths, the diapers, everything, was taking a toll on me. It was hard, but I took them both to church as often as I could, even to daily Mass. Raising two little babies, well this was going to be a whole new thing for me. How could I compete for the fun filled environment that their mother had there at her house. She had her mother and so many sisters to help, and here I was, alone in this house. Jesus, I need you and so it was Jesus that helped me through it all. I have to say, in looking back, Jesus and I did a great job. I knew the most important thing was love, and we had it in abundance.

I remember phoning Mary and telling her the situation and asking her for suggestions of good Catholic family counselors. Mary was a Catholic Counselor, but she was so close to the family she really couldn’t get too much involved. Still, she did phone my wife and try to intercede, but all she heard was how manipulating and controlling I was, and Mary hung up thinking, well maybe you really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

Things moved on and I befriended a daily Mass going female friend. I thought we could share our faith together and perhaps maybe God would show me some relief through this friendship, but this too, turned out to be the wrong road to travel. In the process of talking about our faith, this woman had gone on and on, about how holy I seemed to be and that she had in fact led such a sinful life. I thought, well I can’t let this woman think that she is all that bad and that I am without sin, so I confided in her my previous life of infidelity. As the months went by and it became clear that this woman and I were not part of God’s Will, I decided to break off the relationship. It had gotten too serious, and all I wanted was a spiritual friend anyway. Sensing that I was in the process of changing course, this woman gradually dropped hints that she would tell my wife about my infidelities, if I did not return to the relationship. I left everything up to Jesus and trusted in whatever unfolded.

Time past, and the divorce finally become final in May and although painful, I felt determined to move forward with my life. I had already discerned within my heart that I was meant to share my life with another person. It had nothing to do with sexuality but more of a spiritual bonding, the sharing of God. One thing was for sure, if the Church ever granted an annulment, and I was free to marry, this person would have to be of the same spirituality as myself. I was set in this feeling, totally.

It wasn’t long after the final divorce decree that I emailed Mary and told her all about the divorce and my situation. I didn’t know it at the time, but this started a change in our relationship, a gradual switch would occur, from that of brother and sister, to something more in line with a possible future together, as husband and wife. Of course this would all be up to God and His Church and we would go through extra ordinary efforts to keep our relationship orderly and on track.

Mary and I began an online correspondence of thousands and thousands of words, and we started speaking to one another on the phone for hours. We prayed the Rosary, and even read books together over the phone. I decided that before I would come down to Miami for a visit that I would begin the Annulment process. I had no idea that the process of actually filing the paperwork for the annulment would make clear situations in my life at the time of my engagement and marriage that I had never really thought of before. Discoveries, which made it clear to me, that I had not been prepared for marriage and that I did have the grounds for an annulment. However, it would be up to the Church and Mary and I both agreed that we would never go against the Church, no matter how painful.

During that first visit to Miami we both met with a Jesuit Priest. We also met with some of our good friends of the Sisters of the Pierced Hearts and Mary kept in touch with Mother. I guess you could say, we were seeking God’s Will and to this point it appeared that we just might have a future together. As the months continued to go by, we both fell more and more in love and we patiently awaited the finding of the Church regarding the annulment. It was poor timing in that we had fallen in love before being free to come together as husband and wife, but how could we control such a thing, it just seemed to happen.

The possibility was ever present that the Church might not grant the annulment. Perhaps God would be putting us to the test of our fidelity to the Church, and there was my feeling of not being worthy of the gift of Mary in the first place. I was still looking at my life as a form of reparation to God, and this required something painful without the love and consolation of someone as wonderful as Mary. I mean I just plain didn’t deserve her.

This two-year period of waiting for the Church’s decision was an extremely tough time for both Mary and I. Mother suggested that we pray the Our Lady Untier of Knots Novena, which we started immediately. We were relying totaling on our faith in God’s Will, and whatever the Church decided was going to be the visible sign of His Will. Still, I shuddered to even contemplate a life without Mary. I could do it, if I had to, but I knew it would be a terrible cross to carry. Once again, all things were possible with God, and I continued to check that mailbox everyday…day after day.

Now to return back to that person that had threatened me, well, she did in fact contact my wife and tell her everything that I had confided to her. She waited till the end of the year and called me up on New Years Eve. She said what a terrible year she had and told me how she was going to tell my family everything I had told her. I asked her not to, that it was none of her business and that I had confided in her mainly to help her. But she did it anyway.

Now my wife and children knew all about my past life of sin. It didn’t matter that it happened almost 20 years ago, it was a blow to them all. My humiliation was complete, but I thought, that I deserved no better. Perhaps, this too, was part of my purification. I turned it all over to Jesus and Mary and I got through it, as did my children. Now I could share my story, my journey from that of mortal sin to a redeemed child of God. I was a forgiven man, in love with the Lord and His Church. It took some time, but it worked out for the best.

Besides, I had already told Mary everything about my life, including my sinfulness, and this was no shock to her. I wanted to be totally honest to Mary about everything, never again to live with the barriers of hidden secrets. This love of ours would be built on a foundation of trust, of Jesus and His Church, His Truth. My life was gradually taking on a course of rebirth in a more tangible form. We were two people in love, with our families coming together, learning to know and love one another. When I reflect back on it all, well it was God’s Plan, because everything, including something really important to us both, our children, were coming together as well. We were all healing together and I have to say, it was Mary and her wonderful heart that started the healing process for us all.

Then one day, a day that we, heck a day that many, many people, had been praying for finally came. It had been two years but the letter came from the Tribunal. I had been granted an annulment. Dear Lord, Mary and I were free to marry. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life. We rejoiced in our love, and we planned for our future. It would be tough since she had family and a business in Miami, but somehow we would make it work. We knew one thing for sure, we loved each other like we had never experienced before, and every day, we grew in this love. It was simply amazing and still amazes me to this day.

My prayers had been answered; it was just in a way that I could never have seen. I had never wanted to lose my former spouse, I would have fought for the rest of my life to preserve that marriage, but it takes two. She had decided to turn down another path and it was as if God seeing the fork in the road had prepared everything to show me the Corinthians love I had so sincerely prayed for. All of my prayers were coming to fruition, a loving wife, that I could share my faith with, and a loving Catholic family as well.

In the process of building our lives on the rock of the Church I had made the decision to leave the Secular Discalced Carmelites and become an Apostle of the Two Hearts. I wanted to share everything with Mary and Mother and the Order had become a spiritual harbor for both of us. It was as if the Two Hearts had become woven into the fiber of my heart in a tapestry of saints, of visions, of messages of love and reparation. Margaret Mary was there, Jacinta, Francisco, Lucia, Bernadette, and Jean Vianney. I could close my eyes and I was standing there at Rue de Bac with Catherine Laboure. The simplicity of Garabandal, with the children running up the rocky slopes in ecstasy. The miracles that had occurred in their lives and now something of a miracle in my own.

These events spoke to my heart and brought home the reality of God’s Love. Here I was a broken man crying out to God, lonely and full of despair, a broken family, with a mother that had died and now caring for a father in utter grief, and two small children. And my life had been transformed into such wonderful joy and love. I had hoped for what seemed the impossible and God had answered my prayers.

On November 8^th, there I stood at St. Raymond’s in Miami having just been escorted down the aisle by Mother Adela. As I looked towards the back of the church my mind thought of the wonder of God, and the power of prayer. Walking towards me was a woman that I had met while praying for Priests 15 years previous. We had shared so many discussions, so many prayers, so much of ourselves, yet we never could have imagined someday we would share our lives together like this. She was and is the most beautiful woman I have ever known and every day I discover something more wonderful about her.

It’s been almost six years now and I am just as amazed as the day we were married. How did all this happen? God is amazing and prayer with patience does bear fruit. Take it from me, you won’t always see God’s Plan unfolding in your life. Just Trust Him.

I also want to point out that my purpose for sharing this story is to help anyone out there who finds themselves in a similar state of sin.  There is forgiveness, hope and peace.  But I personally believe that forgiveness, hope, and peace are not possible without God.

Too many unfortunate souls will turn away from God and drown their sorrow in the diversions of alcohol, drugs, sex, power, and self-pity.  Anything that prevents us from dealing with our own soul, the inner recesses, the dark rooms within our individual spiritual castles, is a stumbling block in the way of healing.....It takes time and the realization that we cannot do this alone.  Jesus I Trust in You.

My wife (who is also a Catholic Counselor)and I have been fortunate to give talks both in this country and Ecuador, and I can tell you first hand, I can look out into the gathering and see my story resonating with countless couples.

There is only peace within God living in His Truth and Love. I thank the Lord for giving me the time to change and find that peace.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you.

Mrs. Draisey, Thank you.

When I was growing up in a small rural town in Virginia there was a woman named Ann Draisey that was so loving and tender with all of us kids. She taught bible school and was the perfect example of patience and understanding. She had a peace, that even as a child we could all see. She had a son that was my age and we were friends, so I got to know Mrs. Draisey even better, but I could see that she was there as a mentor for all us kids. Things we couldn't or wouldn't talk about with our parents, difficulties growing up and the like. She was famous for handing out little bible verses written on small pieces of paper. Verses that just seemed to soothe you and help you understand, God was there.

One day, as a 17 year old I did something wrong, something that I felt would turn God against me. I remember at night calling up Mrs. Draisey. "Mrs. Draisey, I've done something wrong, and I feel like God is going to just say the heck with me, because I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway." She told me that night..go to Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with My victorious right hand.

Can you imagine, after all these years I know exactly the verse and I have carried that with me my entire life. I wasn't a Catholic at this time in my life, but I somehow understood the concept of reparation. I told Mrs. Draisey that I feel like I have to give something back to God, to make up for what I've done. She told me about an old woman who lived by herself and liked to have the bible read to her. I was introduced to Ms. Carry who I read the bible to at night.

Later on, Mrs. Draisey told me the story of how her first husband, a Doctor, had been killed in a car accident years before. He was driving home from the hospital when the police were chasing a criminal who crossed over the line and hit her husbands vehicle. She went into this man's jail cell and told him that she forgave him and she told me this man cried like a baby. This was the beautiful woman that had gone on to remarry and have other children that was now living in our small town.

It's been over 40 years, and I still have some of the bible verses that she gave me. She has remained in my heart as a saintly woman, who practiced her faith with love and tenderness, and we came to her because of this. We knew she was of God. I will post a photo of her sometime, so you can see her. She passed on a couple of years ago, and I know she is with Jesus now. Thank you Ann Draisey for touching my life with God's love.

“Been in the storm so long Children….” On the need to cultivate serenity in the midst of a culture war."

By: Msgr. Charles Pope

There is little doubt that the that a kind of cultural war is being waged on many different fronts: abortion, euthanasia, the family, marriage, rampant divorce, cohabitation & fornication, homosexual activity, gay “marriage,” militant secularism and atheism, religious liberty, and so on.

While some may not like the image of war, the conflicts are so deep and intense, the tensions so live and the sides so clearly marked that we can little avoid the term.

In the midst of such a war however, we Christians and cultural warriors can too easily acquire an acerbic, hostile and cynical attitude, even with each other. We become too argumentative, debating every point, even when it is not necessary, and reasonable people may differ. Too easily we can insist on narrowly defining terms and priorities, and we become unnecessarily cynical if others embrace a broader (though still Catholic) set of concerns.

In some sense, many of us have “been in the storm so long children…..” that we ourselves become stormy and develop a kind of trigger finger, even among friends.

The Internet, with it is virtual (though impersonal) relationships does not help. Frankly it is just a lot easier to be nasty to people we have not personally met. Further we cannot always appreciate tones of voice, and other nuances in the written word, as well as we do in more personal interactions. Too easily we loose venom on the faceless people in the combox, with whom we might enjoy friendlier relations in a more personal setting.

In the fog of war, cultural war, we need to cultivate the serenity and joy that comes from knowing the Lord, rejoicing in the beauty of truth, and remembering that, though the battle is sometimes fierce, the final victory of the Lord and his Body, the Church, is assured, indeed, already won.

The paradox of winning this war, is discovering inner peace. Merely sharpening our apologetical weapons, (good and important thought that is), or taking our battle for liberty to the courts (necessary though that is), may win a certain debate or battle. But from a long-term, evangelical point of view, we will only win “the war” by a credible and paradoxical witness of serene peace that comes from having met the Lord. Otherwise, we too easily descend into the hostility that is unbecoming of Christians, and become more desirous of winning an argument than souls.

The words of the theologian Jacques Philippe come to mind, from his book, Searching for and Maintaining Peace

It is of the greatest importance that we strive to acquire and maintain an interior peace, the peace of our hearts. In order to understand this, we can use an image…. Consider the surface of a lake, above which the sun is shining. If the surface of the lake is peaceful and tranquil, the sun will be reflected in this lake; and the more peaceful the lake, the more perfectly will it be reflected. If, on the contrary, the surface of the lake is agitated, undulating, then the image of the sun can not be reflected in it.

The more our soul is peaceful and tranquil, the more God is reflected in it, the more His image expresses itself in us, the more His grace acts through us. On the other hand, if our soul is agitated and troubled, the grace of God is able to act only with much greater difficulty.

Philippe then goes on to articulate the need to cultivate this peace, this serenity, in prayer.

Acquiring and maintaining interior peace, which is impossible without prayer, should consequently be considered a priority for everybody….Otherwise, more often than not they would simply be communicating their own restlessness and distress. Often, we cause ourselves to become agitated and disturbed by trying to resolve everything by ourselves, when it would be more efficacious to remain peacefully before the gaze of God and to allow Him to act and work in us with His wisdom and power, which are infinitely superior to ours. For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: By waiting and by calm you shall be saved; in quiet and in trust your strength lies, but you would have none of it (Isaiah 30:15)….

He then clarifies that interior peace is not a mere quietism:

Interior peace has nothing to do with any type of impassivity, extinction of sensitivity, cold indifference or being wrapped up in oneself….Saint Vincent de Paul, the last person anyone would ever suspect of being lazy, used to say: “The good that God does is done by God Himself, almost without our being aware of it. It is necessary that we be more inactive than active.”….Only one who possesses this interior peace can efficaciously help his neighbor. How can I communicate this peace to others, if I myself do not have it?

Then comes the crux of the issue for us here, namely, that we should avoid fighting the wrong battle, and that inner peace is the paradoxical requirement for a true and effective Christian warrior, who battles not only a cultural war, but also his own inner war against temptation and sin:

The Christian life is a combat, a war, the scene of a constant and sometimes painful battle, which will not end until death — a struggle against evil, temptation and sin…. Saint Catherine of Siena says, “without war there is no peace”; without combat there is no victory.

But if the spiritual combat of a Christian is sometimes rough, it is by no means the hopeless struggle of somebody who battles in blindness and solitude, without any certitude as to the result of this confrontation. The victory is already won. The Christian fights, with a peaceful heart. It is exactly this interior peace which permits him to fight, not with his own strength, which would be quickly exhausted, but with the strength of God.

[Hence] interior peace is not only a condition for spiritual combat, but is quite often the goal itself. Very frequently, spiritual combat consists precisely in this: defending one’s peace of heart against the enemy who attempts to steal it from us.

Avoid fighting the wrong battle…., The first goal of spiritual combat, that toward which our efforts must above all else be directed, is not to always obtain a victory….it is to learn to maintain peace of heart under all circumstances, even in the case of defeat.

Perhaps a personal illustration will help. When I was a young priest, just 28 years old, I had the boldness that is not uncommon for a young man. I preached strong sermons and, even today, would not quibble with the content of those early sermons. I also tangled with some of my parishioners over certain liturgical abuses that were common at the time.

I took my concerns and frustrations about the liturgical abuses to my spiritual director who asked me if I loved my people. I was angry at his question. “Of course I love them!” “Nah…” he said, “Don’t give me the boilerplate answer, give me an honest answer.” I eventually admitted that, while I tolerated and served them, I probably couldn’t say I really loved them. “Alright,” he said, and then went on to say, in effect:

Now beg God for the grace to really love them, and you’re going to find a kind of serenity envelops you as your love for them grows. And you’ll correct the things you need to, and overlook, for now, the things that can wait, and you’ll know the difference. And when you do correct them you’ll be loving and serene. And as for your homilies, you’ll still be bold, but you’ll learn that there’s a big difference between speaking the truth in love, and just trying to win an argument. When people know you love them, you can tell them almost anything and they’ll listen. But they know the difference between someone who loves them and someone who’s merely trying to win an argument. And if you love them, you’ll preach with clarity, but you’ll be patient, confident and serene. And believe me, people know and can tell the difference.“

I pray I learned that lesson. And over the years, a kind of serene joy has come to fill me wen I preach and teach. Only rarely now, do I loose that serenity in pastoral settings.

Peace is the paradoxical requirement for the Christian warrior. Without that peace, too often we end up fighting the wrong battle. All of us do well to be alert to the “Been in the storm so long….” syndrome. It can happen to the best of us, and we turn on those we love and lose our peace, and see our love diminish. And how can we give what we no longer have? That same song gives an important solution to our inner struggle for peace: I’ve been in the storm so long Children…..Oh give me (a) little time to pray.